Sunday, 6 September 2009

the men were none other than human league.

My Godfather, Stanley died in his sleep on the morning of Wednesday September 2nd.

It's tough to put into words about how I feel about losing him. He had a long and wonderful life with Brenda, who died on 18th December 2006, so I think he'd just had enough of being by himself.

He was loved, and I was truely blessed to have had him in my life for the twenty-four years I did.

say hello to brenda for me stan, i miss you both too much.

Tuesday, 1 September 2009

i constantly have a need to drink coffee.

from france to switzerland, then home // to bourenemouth, to reading then home again.

I've come home recently and felt detatched from life and people around here, I have no clue what is going on anymore, with anything.
I'm just constantly tired, or getting fucked up on something. I feel like I'm fighting for conversation with friends and family, yet yearning for connections everywhere.
Communication is a must, and I have nothing to talk about.

I tried emailing people yesterday who I met in and around Switzerland, and it just went wrong.
Some got returned unsent, and it was the people I wanted to hear from who's emails didn't send.

I'm tired, and don't want to be here.
Next week I start photography on the 9th or the 14th, I honestly can't remember. My necks being tattoo'd on the 8th and Stan is getting worse. My parents were married ten years ago this week, and I have nothing to give them.
I still haven't developed any pictures from my summer either.

Fuck, I need to get back on the horse.

listen to NO WARNING.
read Jorge Luis Borges' Labyrinths.
wear movie hats.
drink coffee.

Sunday, 23 August 2009

i went full retard

i got home.

It's becoming aware to me how easy and difficult I can make things for other people.

My journey home was good, for good reasons.
Wedding was bad, for good reasons.
Seeing Reiss was good, for good reasons.
Seeing Russ was good, for good reasons.
Party was good, for bad reasons.
Playdate never happened.

listen to ED GEIN.
read David Talbot's Brothers.
wear Chinos.
drink Famous Grouse.

Thursday, 20 August 2009

sharpay and whatshisname

Today is the 20th August, and the final day of my summer experience.
My weekend will start with a plane flight home, a party for friends for a recent wedding between two of them, a birthday party for someone I don't know, and a playdate to end the weekend.
Next week I'm going to Bournemouth.

I'm not sad about leaving Switzerland, but maybe I will be soon.

Friday, 7 August 2009

FUUU- I GOT A SWASTICA TATTOO and im listen to kylie minogue.

i somehow started writing this post about four maybe even five days ago. NO ACTUALLY SIX DAYS AGO NOW. the radiohead song Harry Patch (In Memory Of) is actually rad and i like the way he sounded.

Well things have been good recently. We haven't attempted anything serious with work, cutting grass has been the most harrowing. It's like things are just winding down, in mental and physical ways. After we sorted all those Paris Match magazines I made the suggestion of cataloguing them and taking individual pictures so Pierette can sell them online. This was such a mistake though, as its the nicest weather at the moment, and I have been inside doing this instead.
I fucking hate data input.

A few days back we went via train to the Alps, well... close as. Alyssa said we weren't as close as we initially thought, although it didn't matter to me. The journey was amazing and the views just stole your breath, as you'd expect. Clouds surrounded the tips of the peaks and turned into light wisps as they descended,
I took photographs obviously, although I am getting tired with landscape shots, but that's all that's here. I am itching to be home though, even if it's just to see people for a few days and disappear again.
But before I leave I'll steal a few shots of Pierette's girls again, I got some ones of them a few weeks back that should come out nicely. They are pretty camera shy, or pose dramatically.
I don't think they get what I am trying to achieve with my unposed ethos on people.

There is some small time drama next week.
My flight from Geneva is at 7am on the 21st August, so this means I need to check in around 5:30am. But even if I got the first train from Courtelary, I don't get to Geneva 'til 6:45am, and way too late. So my plan is to go to Geneva on the 20th, and just wait it out in the Airport. Easy right?


Apparently, Geneva Airport closes from midnight to 4am to accommodate for the locals sleeping.
So now my plan is slightly changed, as I'm still going to Geneva on the 20th, but I'll just hang out in a bar or something. I can get there at around midnight anyway, so that would only be 4hours to wait.
Which isn't really that bad, unless it rains and i have to sit outside as everything is closed and I get raped and someone steals my bag which has all my film in it and they leave me with my ipod as its broken again and they only take my front teeth and my tight asshole.

I've been talking recently to friends at home, and thinking about just getting back and seeing people. I'm ready for having fun with the same old people, and the same fear of getting to know new ones. A few people even asked to come out, if only for a long weekend. But, in the end times meshed out and finances dwindled down, and it hasn't happened. This summer has been mine, and mine alone, and it always will be.
I'll come back and tell people what I did over the summer, about the cuts, the burns and the daily boner jokes I couldn't make.
I'll tell everyone how views were stunning and unbelievable, how some people were kind yet poisonous, whereas others have shown me goodness and grace. I will come back here, to Switzerland.

I'd like to see Pierette again, and some of her friends. I had a wonderful conversation with my neighbour about her grandson this morning, and its moments and junctures like those that I treasure.
But I'll leave out how sometimes I was bored out of my mind with no conversation, sometimes so tired that I thought I was going to die.
And sometimes so lonely that I wanted to go home more than anything else, just to be safe again.

Next week is the final week, and the real end of my summer here.
College starts, and I have find work soon just to afford my basic things as my loan wasn't accepted.
Stan is out of hospital, but in a care unit. He'll apparently be home around the same time as me getting back. I'm told he still wears his catheter, but always asks when I'm coming back to see him.
I'm going back to the same people I see week after week, to bullshit drama and to forced friendships with friends of friends.

I honestly cannot wait.

Monday, 3 August 2009

brokeback mountain really is a really really great guy.

i was listening to backstreet boys and talking about them to alyssa and wearing this fuckin crazy BEASTIE BOYZ tee and some guy came up and was all "yo boiiiiii" and i was like "whatever pal." to give him sum supreme brush off but then he went to stab me then i woke up and had a boner so now I'm thinking i get turned on by death.

We were in Neuchatel today, which is the same place I arrived in nearly 3 weeks ago.
Three weeks.
It just seems crazy to think that. I've really enjoyed it here, and I leave to come home soon. Thinking about it, I can't wait. Like, this summer has been so awesome. I said before how inspired it has made me, but it's like it's come with a price - because now I need to come home and it's like this huge part of my life is about to start.And I feel fine about that though because having a goal to strive towards will push me and drive me forwards and upwards towards the eventual finish line.

Whilst we were walking around the lake today I was talking to Alyssa about how I feel with my life at the moment. I started talking about when I get home I have things to do that really need to be done, and with my future rushing towards me. It seemed so strange to be talking to someone that I don't really know about my life.
Then I think it clicked.
I'm proud.

That was it. I am doing something, and I feel like I'm going somewhere.
I can't help but be excited with all the things I'm about to start. From projects I'm planning, to tattoos and tee shirts I'm thinking about. And to music, which has strangely been this huge thing for me for the last three weeks. I keep thinking about playing music in a band.
I've also got college, which will open doors and places for me. Plus it's in London, and I miss that place. It can be so much fun there, and obviously it has its hellish side. But I miss that I was there everyday.
I know that professional photography will take some real effort to get into, but I really feel prepared for that. I also know that getting a tattoo of a fucking spitfire on my neck right now might hinder my progress in a clean cut corporate media world, but fuck it. Let's just see what happens, and deal with the consequences after.

There is too much I can achieve with myself, I know that now. I won't succeed by not being true to myself though, and to who I am and to what I want. Never fucking give up, and never fucking surrender.

So the things I need to do when I get home. they aren't in any particular order but just off the top of my head as I think of them.

  1. start a band called O Captain, My Captain.
  2. go out more.
  3. buy a tri-pod but i can't afford a tri-pod, so steal a tri-pod.
  4. read more.
  5. dance more.
  6. fuck more.
  7. drink more.
  8. lurk moar.
  9. listen to annie lennox more.
  10. fuck more.
  11. something else
  12. another thing.
  13. fuck more.

Wednesday, 29 July 2009

jesus does my vocal tests

climbing the hills next to the house and we semi sorted out magazines from 1950 onwards that have been kept in the barn but somehow seem to be undamaged by gods armies

Alyssa and I were in a town with a free Zoo. I'll be honest - it was awesome, as it was free. We walked around and saw children running and shouting, with adults chasing them. We saw sealions, we saw spiders, we saw a llamas and we saw snakes. The llama was irrirate and moody and the sealion was playful and childlike. It was a startling reminder of an old friendship with Jim, but in this amazing, exciting way. I'd like to see him be a sealion again.

Today was hot.
The Sun was high in the sky and unrelenting in its fury to scorch earth and skin alike, so today we decided to climb the hills dominating the valley surrounding the house. They seemed to get steeper and higher as we climbed, but this could have been our imagination. It seemed to go on forever, constantly uphill and with little shade to cover my cut off tee and my tiny red shorts.

This morning I checked how much a flight from Geneva to Gatwick would cost me, plus trains and automobiles just to compare prices. I've been talking to Dan recently, with the possibility of going to Bournemouth for a few days to spend time with Tom and himself. I'd like to do this, as it'd be a nice break before getting home.

I might end up at Offset this year again, with Jayne helping me there thankfully.
Last year was fun, but I left really early to go home for some reason so this year I really should just get fucked up like Russy Evans does.
It's been nice to talk to people at home, even on things like my shoutbox. It's always great to get a message, or a bullshit email from an american jew girl about her toes, or something from the heart about ebay and missing people.

I feel like things are setting into place for the final three weeks here, and I've been so fortunate to do this now. Things are in place in my mind, in my head and in my heart.
I know where I am going, and I know where I've been. Soon it will be time to leave, and I will be sad.

I think I'll call this picture Rape.

Monday, 27 July 2009

i think im crazy baby to let you off the hook too easy

i think mick foley is getting abit too old to wrestle rocky balboa and the pursuit of happyness is so overrated it makes me sick.

So the American is here. She seems nice.
Her name is Alyssa, she's from Sacramento CA. We went for a walk this morning with the dogs, got pretty high up into the hills too - until i got tired and sat down.

I have been doing alot of thinking about things, I think thats what this summer has really been about for me - being by myself, with myself. I realise that there are goals I want to achieve and tasks I need to set up when I get back, things that I want in my life. I've been reading alot.
I find passing time thinking about my future and my life really makes the time fly, and that it isn't thinking that will get me anywhere. It's doing something, finding a goal, and achieving it.
Even Big Will said it.

Christopher Gardner: Hey. Don't ever let somebody tell you... You can't do something. Not even me. All right?
Christopher: All right.
Christopher Gardner: You got a dream... You gotta protect it. People can't do somethin' themselves, they wanna tell you you can't do it. If you want somethin', go get it. Period.

This has been an awesome summer. People will come and go, but always leave a mark on your mind, with the high highs and low lows, memories, pictures, music and laughter.

But mostly, the moments.

Friday, 24 July 2009

I know what I have to do, I know what I have to do, I know what I have to do.

Watching people galvanize and inspire greatness, intensity and courage, even for a second, can be a wonderful thing to witness. To see and hear these events, you realise things. It becomes clear, like suddenly things are different in your eyes. You feel like telling everyone you speak to about how noble the event was, or how different you feel.
You can catch a glimpse, hear someone talk with fire and passion - about something that meant little to you before, and suddenly be filled with this sense of belief. You could observe friends on a bus full of people and see something worth remembering and noting to tell someone else, someone who gets what you mean when you say,

" Man, I just sat there all day reading and watching youtube speaches of Bobby Kennedy. "

Things look like they are going to be good from now on. I got inspired.

Wednesday, 22 July 2009

i think the greatest hip hop album ever made is Doe or Die. its just off the fucking pan its so good.

this girl that is here got touched by her dad and her mum knew but did nothing so she now cant talk to her children lol.

This week is speeding by, its somehow Wednesday already. Like, that seems insane to me.
I smashed glass and window panes yesterday, and today i cleaned a barn out. It was insanely dusty, like insanely. I hoped at the end of it i'd look like one of those 9/11 dust mask people, but I didn't.

There are now only five days til this next person arrives. Five. Seems crazy to me, an American girl is going to be here. Will I want to kill her? I hope she isn't fat and have curly hair.

Innitially I was excited, then that turned into dread. Now I just feel a combination of all of them. Pierrette was talking about having a few days away in America, and to leave this girl and myself here to look after the place. I started freaking out about this as I had a horrible feeling I would hate this other person, then that subsided and I've decided to just wait and see.

The sun came out like a badman recently, and cooked the Earth. But today, johnny raincloud is back. I was in a barn all day, so I didn't even notice.
Oh, I've decided that I'm gonna come back when I run out of film. 10 rolls left, 13 rolls used.