i went full retard

i got home.

It's becoming aware to me how easy and difficult I can make things for other people.

My journey home was good, for good reasons.
Wedding was bad, for good reasons.
Seeing Reiss was good, for good reasons.
Seeing Russ was good, for good reasons.
Party was good, for bad reasons.
Playdate never happened.



listen to ED GEIN.
read David Talbot's Brothers.
wear Chinos.
drink Famous Grouse.

sharpay and whatshisname

Today is the 20th August, and the final day of my summer experience.
My weekend will start with a plane flight home, a party for friends for a recent wedding between two of them, a birthday party for someone I don't know, and a playdate to end the weekend.
Next week I'm going to Bournemouth.


I'm not sad about leaving Switzerland, but maybe I will be soon.

FUUU- I GOT A SWASTICA TATTOO and im listen to kylie minogue.

i somehow started writing this post about four maybe even five days ago. NO ACTUALLY SIX DAYS AGO NOW. the radiohead song Harry Patch (In Memory Of) is actually rad and i like the way he sounded.

Well things have been good recently. We haven't attempted anything serious with work, cutting grass has been the most harrowing. It's like things are just winding down, in mental and physical ways. After we sorted all those Paris Match magazines I made the suggestion of cataloguing them and taking individual pictures so Pierette can sell them online. This was such a mistake though, as its the nicest weather at the moment, and I have been inside doing this instead.
I fucking hate data input.

A few days back we went via train to the Alps, well... close as. Alyssa said we weren't as close as we initially thought, although it didn't matter to me. The journey was amazing and the views just stole your breath, as you'd expect. Clouds surrounded the tips of the peaks and turned into light wisps as they descended,
I took photographs obviously, although I am getting tired with landscape shots, but that's all that's here. I am itching to be home though, even if it's just to see people for a few days and disappear again.
But before I leave I'll steal a few shots of Pierette's girls again, I got some ones of them a few weeks back that should come out nicely. They are pretty camera shy, or pose dramatically.
I don't think they get what I am trying to achieve with my unposed ethos on people.

There is some small time drama next week.
My flight from Geneva is at 7am on the 21st August, so this means I need to check in around 5:30am. But even if I got the first train from Courtelary, I don't get to Geneva 'til 6:45am, and way too late. So my plan is to go to Geneva on the 20th, and just wait it out in the Airport. Easy right?

WRONG.

Apparently, Geneva Airport closes from midnight to 4am to accommodate for the locals sleeping.
So now my plan is slightly changed, as I'm still going to Geneva on the 20th, but I'll just hang out in a bar or something. I can get there at around midnight anyway, so that would only be 4hours to wait.
Which isn't really that bad, unless it rains and i have to sit outside as everything is closed and I get raped and someone steals my bag which has all my film in it and they leave me with my ipod as its broken again and they only take my front teeth and my tight asshole.


I've been talking recently to friends at home, and thinking about just getting back and seeing people. I'm ready for having fun with the same old people, and the same fear of getting to know new ones. A few people even asked to come out, if only for a long weekend. But, in the end times meshed out and finances dwindled down, and it hasn't happened. This summer has been mine, and mine alone, and it always will be.
I'll come back and tell people what I did over the summer, about the cuts, the burns and the daily boner jokes I couldn't make.
I'll tell everyone how views were stunning and unbelievable, how some people were kind yet poisonous, whereas others have shown me goodness and grace. I will come back here, to Switzerland.

I'd like to see Pierette again, and some of her friends. I had a wonderful conversation with my neighbour about her grandson this morning, and its moments and junctures like those that I treasure.
But I'll leave out how sometimes I was bored out of my mind with no conversation, sometimes so tired that I thought I was going to die.
And sometimes so lonely that I wanted to go home more than anything else, just to be safe again.


Next week is the final week, and the real end of my summer here.
College starts, and I have find work soon just to afford my basic things as my loan wasn't accepted.
Stan is out of hospital, but in a care unit. He'll apparently be home around the same time as me getting back. I'm told he still wears his catheter, but always asks when I'm coming back to see him.
I'm going back to the same people I see week after week, to bullshit drama and to forced friendships with friends of friends.


I honestly cannot wait.

brokeback mountain really is a really really great guy.

i was listening to backstreet boys and talking about them to alyssa and wearing this fuckin crazy BEASTIE BOYZ tee and some guy came up and was all "yo boiiiiii" and i was like "whatever pal." to give him sum supreme brush off but then he went to stab me then i woke up and had a boner so now I'm thinking i get turned on by death.


We were in Neuchatel today, which is the same place I arrived in nearly 3 weeks ago.
Three weeks.
It just seems crazy to think that. I've really enjoyed it here, and I leave to come home soon. Thinking about it, I can't wait. Like, this summer has been so awesome. I said before how inspired it has made me, but it's like it's come with a price - because now I need to come home and it's like this huge part of my life is about to start.And I feel fine about that though because having a goal to strive towards will push me and drive me forwards and upwards towards the eventual finish line.

Whilst we were walking around the lake today I was talking to Alyssa about how I feel with my life at the moment. I started talking about when I get home I have things to do that really need to be done, and with my future rushing towards me. It seemed so strange to be talking to someone that I don't really know about my life.
Then I think it clicked.
I'm proud.

That was it. I am doing something, and I feel like I'm going somewhere.
I can't help but be excited with all the things I'm about to start. From projects I'm planning, to tattoos and tee shirts I'm thinking about. And to music, which has strangely been this huge thing for me for the last three weeks. I keep thinking about playing music in a band.
I've also got college, which will open doors and places for me. Plus it's in London, and I miss that place. It can be so much fun there, and obviously it has its hellish side. But I miss that I was there everyday.
I know that professional photography will take some real effort to get into, but I really feel prepared for that. I also know that getting a tattoo of a fucking spitfire on my neck right now might hinder my progress in a clean cut corporate media world, but fuck it. Let's just see what happens, and deal with the consequences after.

There is too much I can achieve with myself, I know that now. I won't succeed by not being true to myself though, and to who I am and to what I want. Never fucking give up, and never fucking surrender.


So the things I need to do when I get home. they aren't in any particular order but just off the top of my head as I think of them.

1. start a band called O Captain, My Captain.
2. go out more.
3. buy a tri-pod but i can't afford a tri-pod, so steal a tri-pod.
4. read more.
5. dance more.
6. fuck more.
7. drink more.
8. lurk moar.
9. listen to annie lennox more.
10. fuck more.
11. something else
12. another thing.
13. fuck more.