jesus does my vocal tests

climbing the hills next to the house and we semi sorted out magazines from 1950 onwards that have been kept in the barn but somehow seem to be undamaged by gods armies


Alyssa and I were in a town with a free Zoo. I'll be honest - it was awesome, as it was free. We walked around and saw children running and shouting, with adults chasing them. We saw sealions, we saw spiders, we saw a llamas and we saw snakes. The llama was irrirate and moody and the sealion was playful and childlike. It was a startling reminder of an old friendship with Jim, but in this amazing, exciting way. I'd like to see him be a sealion again.


Today was hot.
The Sun was high in the sky and unrelenting in its fury to scorch earth and skin alike, so today we decided to climb the hills dominating the valley surrounding the house. They seemed to get steeper and higher as we climbed, but this could have been our imagination. It seemed to go on forever, constantly uphill and with little shade to cover my cut off tee and my tiny red shorts.

This morning I checked how much a flight from Geneva to Gatwick would cost me, plus trains and automobiles just to compare prices. I've been talking to Dan recently, with the possibility of going to Bournemouth for a few days to spend time with Tom and himself. I'd like to do this, as it'd be a nice break before getting home.

I might end up at Offset this year again, with Jayne helping me there thankfully.
Last year was fun, but I left really early to go home for some reason so this year I really should just get fucked up like Russy Evans does.
It's been nice to talk to people at home, even on things like my last.fm shoutbox. It's always great to get a message, or a bullshit email from an american jew girl about her toes, or something from the heart about ebay and missing people.


I feel like things are setting into place for the final three weeks here, and I've been so fortunate to do this now. Things are in place in my mind, in my head and in my heart.
I know where I am going, and I know where I've been. Soon it will be time to leave, and I will be sad.


I think I'll call this picture Rape.

i think im crazy baby to let you off the hook too easy

i think mick foley is getting abit too old to wrestle rocky balboa and the pursuit of happyness is so overrated it makes me sick.


So the American is here. She seems nice.
Her name is Alyssa, she's from Sacramento CA. We went for a walk this morning with the dogs, got pretty high up into the hills too - until i got tired and sat down.

I have been doing alot of thinking about things, I think thats what this summer has really been about for me - being by myself, with myself. I realise that there are goals I want to achieve and tasks I need to set up when I get back, things that I want in my life. I've been reading alot.
I find passing time thinking about my future and my life really makes the time fly, and that it isn't thinking that will get me anywhere. It's doing something, finding a goal, and achieving it.
Even Big Will said it.

Christopher Gardner: Hey. Don't ever let somebody tell you... You can't do something. Not even me. All right?
Christopher: All right.
Christopher Gardner: You got a dream... You gotta protect it. People can't do somethin' themselves, they wanna tell you you can't do it. If you want somethin', go get it. Period.


This has been an awesome summer. People will come and go, but always leave a mark on your mind, with the high highs and low lows, memories, pictures, music and laughter.

But mostly, the moments.

I know what I have to do, I know what I have to do, I know what I have to do.


Watching people galvanize and inspire greatness, intensity and courage, even for a second, can be a wonderful thing to witness. To see and hear these events, you realise things. It becomes clear, like suddenly things are different in your eyes. You feel like telling everyone you speak to about how noble the event was, or how different you feel.
You can catch a glimpse, hear someone talk with fire and passion - about something that meant little to you before, and suddenly be filled with this sense of belief. You could observe friends on a bus full of people and see something worth remembering and noting to tell someone else, someone who gets what you mean when you say,

" Man, I just sat there all day reading and watching youtube speaches of Bobby Kennedy. "

Things look like they are going to be good from now on. I got inspired.

i think the greatest hip hop album ever made is Doe or Die. its just off the fucking pan its so good.

this girl that is here got touched by her dad and her mum knew but did nothing so she now cant talk to her children lol.


This week is speeding by, its somehow Wednesday already. Like, that seems insane to me.
I smashed glass and window panes yesterday, and today i cleaned a barn out. It was insanely dusty, like insanely. I hoped at the end of it i'd look like one of those 9/11 dust mask people, but I didn't.

There are now only five days til this next person arrives. Five. Seems crazy to me, an American girl is going to be here. Will I want to kill her? I hope she isn't fat and have curly hair.

Innitially I was excited, then that turned into dread. Now I just feel a combination of all of them. Pierrette was talking about having a few days away in America, and to leave this girl and myself here to look after the place. I started freaking out about this as I had a horrible feeling I would hate this other person, then that subsided and I've decided to just wait and see.

The sun came out like a badman recently, and cooked the Earth. But today, johnny raincloud is back. I was in a barn all day, so I didn't even notice.
Oh, I've decided that I'm gonna come back when I run out of film. 10 rolls left, 13 rolls used.

PEACE. x

ouija board, wont you work for me? ITS TOO LATE TO BE A PESSIMIST

husker du were so good at one point, no fuck that, at every point. i went to a horse riding competition yesterday with Pierrette and her two girls, one of them was entered but not entered to win blah blah.


It was wet and cold, like real cold. But it was a good day, I took some pictures of Amie riding about doing the jumps.
In the evening Pierrette took me to her neighbours house who were showing Home , a movie about how we are destroying our planet. At this point I really want to point out that this was shown in a home cinema in an attic that seats 30-45 people. It was insane, like, everyone sat there and just watched this movie that was informative, yet somehow seemed to really miss the punchline. Like, I felt WHOA GOD THATS CRAZY after but it didn't really tell you what to do about all
these terrible things we are doing to the planet that we live on.
Its like one of those adverts where the kids are covered in flies and they tell you how bad life is for them then it doesn't give you a number to call and donate, it just wants you to know that you are lucky and some people are not.
Anyway, the house was fucking awesome. Like, to get to the attic you had to go outside and up this winding metal staircase. Shit was insane.

I'm walking the dogs basically everyday now, they seem nice.
I think I will go for a bike ride to the mountains now, I do not have anything else to tell you about anything. Erm, actually on the 27th there is another HelpX person coming. An American girl apparenlty, so that should be something new.
Roll on the 27th.

Oh, and it has been really nice to talk to you guys that have either caught me on MSN on emailed, it has been lovely talking to you all.

bienvenue! statut de connection: hors ligne.

...and i arrived in Toulouse and started to panic again as i couldn't find a cash machine so i eventually find one and now i'm in Switzerland walking dogs and picking berries and hanging out with a french family of teenage girls that don't want to speak english at all but they are pleasant and friendly i think. I hope they don't talk about me behind my back or worse, to my face but i won't understand them! Oh no!


Anyway, now I'm in Switzerland. Right now. I'm inbetween a town called Biel and Neuchatel, i forget the name of the actual town though.
Ah, but i forgot to mention that when i was in Toulouse - it was Bastille Day. Which meant French people getting drunk and partying, more than they usually do i guess. There was like, a festival going on in the main street of Toulouse, which stopped traffic so they could hold it. It was okay to hang about there, but my bag was heavy so i just sat at the station reading 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea instead.
At 12:00 they opened the gate for me to go through to get the overnight train to Geneva, and there was a HUGE firework display going on. They noise was incredible! Everyone stopped to see what was happening, it was like a war movie - oh, and they were playing French Opera over a overhead speaker really loudly too, so the whole thing just came across like some insane Roman Polinski movie. Everyone applauded at the end, it was actually crazy how many fireworks they must have used though.

When the train pulled in everyone gets on and i find my seat next to this middle aged guy, he seemed okay.
I was abit annoyed and disappointed as I wanted to see the mountains, and travelling overnight I would miss them.. or so I thought.
I wake up at Lyon, where the train is stopping and everyone gets off and i strat to panic again as i thought it was a non stop to Geneva but it wasn't and i start fretting and in the end decide to sit down, after asking a nice french man anyway.

Now, i cannot put into words how beautiful this was. The sun had just risen, and the mist was rolling down the mountains.
It went on for mile after mile, small villages and towns, surrounded by these huge mountains gave everything this peaceful feel. coming to Switzerland was worth it, i felt so happy. This is a link to the rest, just looking at them makes my heart ache actually.


I got to Geneva and had a wander, got some fruit and water - i've basically been living on that for the past few days; entirely my choice though - and made my way to the river by a bridge where i ate my breakfast and waited til i heard from Pierrette, my host in Switzerland.

After hearing from her and watching this jet spray thing that was in the river and telling beggars to go away i went back to the station, and had a wash. I then got some lunch, and got my ticket to Neuchatel train station where i was going to be picked up.

I got there, she seems lovely etc etc and takes me to her a second hand shop, then home to her village in the French part of Switzerland.
Its beautiful here, its in a sort of valley where trees cover the sides on both sides of it - its insane to look at.
So i got here, put together an Ikea unit thing then had dinner.
That was my first day. That was it.
I felt tired, run down and a little crazy from the constant travelling - to the point where i didn't know how i felt. But she has two gorgeous dogs, i'm really starting to like them.
Oh, Pierrette's niece came over, she was nice. Everyone is nice. It's bizarre.

I picked berries yesterday, to make into jelly and jam. That was it. Then went to a swimming pool disco in the evening, which was a little strange but its a small town so all the kids were there.
I think I expected tough work i guess. But its raining today, and I've cleaned the kitchen and walked the dogs.
Roll on August, as this place seems quite good fun.
Au Revoir, mon amies.

seeing bruce play with the gaslight anthem actually made me change my entire view on them, i illegally downloaded their demos fuk yeh

So what have i learned from being away?

It's been fifteen days since i left England, and it still seems longer. Y'know, TWO WEEKS just flies by - but somehow i still feel it.
Being away has made me remember what is important, and what really isn't. I think I worked it out the other day, that I really can't wait to be home; but I just don't want to leave yet.

There has been up points and down points on Uwins Farm. Like, I honestly have very little respect for Zoe and her views - I can't change that now, it's just stuck in my head now. Fran is, well.. he's got his good and bad points. I enjoy him, but i found that i don't like him.


My last day was spent chopping logs and wood with Reuben in the morning. We talk alot these days, and I will miss it. He's a smart guy, and I like listening to him. He's got alot of time for peope he respects, and I'd like to think he respects me.

All in all? I'm really fucking happy I'm going to Switzerland, and onto somewhere else. I feel more confident this time, more settled; as if i've done it all before and i'm a hardcore traveller.
This of course will all fall out of my ass when I get to Switzerland and panic wildly as I have no idea where I am. Peace be with you all, I'm happy.

the good life

I'm leaving for Toulouse tomorrow, Reuben is giving me a lift.
Today was a good day, i got burnt again. In some insane way, whenever i get burnt it turns out to be a good day.
Fran seemed genuinely suprised when i told him i was going tomorrow, Zoe not so much.

It'd love to say I'm gonna miss this place, but i'm not. I'll miss Rueben, and probably Fran. And Noggin.
I've enjoyed it, but i'm glad it's time to move on.

hi Sam, come anytime, tell me what you need to know or call and we can make arrangements. kind regards see you soon Pierette

OH MY GOD IM GOING TO SWITZERLAND this is such a moment. like, actually shaking here oh wow.

I woke up this morning with a change of heart. I felt lighter, almost serene. It was such different feeling to how i've been waking recently, i expect it was because I did nothing but read and sleep yesterday. But I can't help but believe that it was because I knew today was going to be good, different, full of emails from Swiss men that are excellent and exciting.

As i was in my bunk finishing watching The Shining this morning as i couldn't finish it last night - seriously, watching The Shining alone in a caravan was really frightning. I was constantly thinking about a chainsaw revving from the barn next to me then someone cutting the door apart - Zoe called me to let me know about these hot air balloons that were flying in the distance. Apparently, once a year - around about the time of the country and western festival held here - they fly from one location to another, across the fields and houses. The effect wasn't insane as she made out, but it still looked great against the backdrop of the Pyrenées Mountains.
So once a year at this country and western festival, they all dress as cowboys and indians and fanny about in the town square. Last year the cast of Dallas was here. Fuckin' Dallas bro.
Fuk Yer.

So today is the big BBQ and baseball game that the Uwins hold every year. I'm actually really psyked about playing baseball - i haven't played since school, so hopefully i'm still as good as Frank Thomas when he was in his prime (i have a feeling only Russ would know who Frank Thomas is, maybe a Starbucks conversation or something.)

Anyway, hopefully by tomorrow I will have a travel plan to Switzerland.
I hope it's by train; I have this fantasy of the Swiss mountains and me just watching them roll by, mile after mile.

Peace. xo

pinky swear

Today has just been glorious.

I have done nothing but read and lay about, then go online. So besides boredom, nothing could be wrong. I'm still waiting for a response from Swiss man, and I've asked Swiss woman what dates was she thinking of for me to come to her. I haven't replied to the Irish guy who has the monkey sanctuary, as i'll just wait to see what the Swiss are doing first. If all else fails, i could just stay here and go to Spain at the end of the month but i really want to move on from here. I could obviously just get up and go, but i'm not that desperate yet.
Oh, and this is what i did yesterday.

Its about 15 bales high.

jean is dead, long live the jean

Today I stacked and loaded 493 bales of hay today (with one other person) and got burnt on my arms in the process. I was the one on the trailer, bouncing around. Its insanely tough, you've gotta balance and lift and climb and oh god oh god its so hot.
Okay imagine this;

You're standing on a fastmoving train, and you have nothing to hang on to. And you have to stack peoples luggage above your head. Then to make sure you're packing enough luggage in, you have to climb everyone elses luggage and carry luggage up the luggage with you to stack it on top of other luggage. And the luggage is full of straw. And there are flies.

Hopefully though, my arms will all be the same shade instead of that lovely pink, red and white shaed they have been all week. I am so tired. seriously. I feel drained, but only physically.
Not emotionally though, mainly as some people have emailed me back with places to go!
I was thinking today that I could go to Barcelona, or maybe Madrid and just hostel it for awhile. Or sleep on the beaches. But I haven't got that much money, so thats not the best idea.
Then i recieved and email from;

A monkey sanctuary in Ireland A Swiss family who want me to do housework And a Swiss woman who wants me to work in her textile factory.

However, Swiss family maybe possible maybe could take me asap, Switzerland woman can only take me from August and Ireland monkey man is well, in Ireland and I'd like to go somewhere that is abit further. Also, FUCKING SWITZERLAND. I mean, come on.

So I'm gonna leave it 'til the weekend, and see what happens with the Switzerland family, y'know.. just see what they say.

Anyway, just a quick update as nothings really happened. I think i'm gona spend my whole day tomorrow reading Joseph Hellers' Something Happened in the fucking sun.




Fuk yer.

listen to midtown find comfort in yourself

today is a good day to die, yesterday was a better time to live she said.

I was pretty bored today. I haven't riden a horse since friday, through my own choice entirely. I just haven't fancied it.
As Fran is out of the house alot, Reuben and I work together more. He's a pretty great guy actually. He earns a pretty penny as a Farrier, i think he's going to move his family out to France and start some sort of business out here. I trust the guy, with horses i mean. Like, he just seems to talk about them with such confindence and heart you kinda get drawn into this belief that he's right and knows what he's on about. So i just smile and nob when he speaks about horses.
I've been here for 9 days now. Nine days. Is that it? Jesus, i really feel like it's longer - but not in a bad way anymore. I feel more comfortable and okay now, although i am still abit lonely if i'm honest. I've made progress on my French tapes though. Basically, every time I go out to the fields i take my iPod and just revise French.
It seems to be working. I mean, I feel more confident with it - I'm even quite looking forward to trying it out at the autobus depot whenever i go there.


I had an idea about staying in a hostel in Madrid for a week on the run up to the 27th, if i eventually decide to go to Badajoz anyway. I'm still having trouble finding somewhere to go to inbetween, I've even looked at Ireland.
I'm about to email someone in Switzerland.

I'd kill to laugh at something I actually find funny, instead of the polite-in-social-situation-laughter.
My mum went to a funeral today. I kinda wish i could be with her.

listen to the manics holy bible buddy

i think after my heavy flowing period i need an uplifting post thats about good things and happiness and dancing and i havent had a wank since i got here and thats nearly eight days now.

Low and behold - my little spat of moaning is over! Oh yes, its gone. It's done, it's out the door!
I've realised that there's just no point letting things get to me, epecially the insignificant detail of bullshit and travelling.

So i managed to find a way to Spain that would cost me just under 100 euros, all in all. Which really isn't that bad. I'd leave next week on an overnight bus from Toulouse to Madrid, then another bus or train to Badajoz. Then I get picked up by Ian Smith, a retired Englishman who takes me to his farm and rapes me whislt his wife rubs her titties.

Unfortunatly, Ian can't accomadate me 'til (at the earliest) the 27th - which really slams my balls in the grinder as i'd like to move on, but not that it is mentally bad here anymore.
Basically yesterday I woke up and felt fine. And i mean fine. As if nothing had happened.
I'd spoken to Zoe and Fran on Sunday about how i was feeling and what i should be doing and they were both... well, cold, yet helpful. I know they aren't here to become my surrogate parents, but they were abit too easy with the idea of me leaving and that made me realise a few things. It made me remember that it should be hard being away from home, as I'm so lucky to have the parents and friends i have.

A quick note to the people who have contacted me just to say hello - Thankyou, seriously. It's a joy to hear from you. It takes a few minutes to write emails, draw me a fucking comic, or even just comment; i appreciate it all as i know how busy you all are with worrying about me.

Now I'm looking for my next venue.
As i said, it isn't bad here, at all - it was all in my stupid fat head. So staying wouldn't be that bad i guess, plus I realised how stupid it would be not even to speak French to anyone now i'm here.

I was sitting by the pool last night by myself, just thinking about how much I want to do with things; life, people, everything.
And then it came to me.

Just Do It. So i am.

Today myself and Reuben moved logs about. When i say logs, what i really mean is trees. Seriously, it was insane.
At the moment I'm looking at other places in Europe that i could get to, which - lets be honest - is anywhere. So if anyone has an idea where i could go, shoot me up with an email or a comment.
Or anything. I assume anywhere could accomadate me.

Anywhere that'd have an extra from an amateur fucking Springsteen video shoot anyway.

It feels like a month, I wish it was a month.

It's only been six days, thats it. Six.

It feels like its been so long since I was completely cheerful, which is insane. As i am happy.
I just feel like I'm wasting time here cutting logs, but i couldn't tell you where the place I should be is. I dunno, maybe it's a human contact factor. Maybe it's the fact that I feel lonely. Maybe it's because I feel abit useless here, physical labour not really being my best point.
I dunno. I started looking into how to get to the Spain, thinking maybe i'd go early - but it's like the hardest place to get to.
I need to just relax and let things take the natural course of time, and not want to bail " 'cos i'm feeling abit shitty."

It rained alot today and I went to market and realised i wasn't able to talk to anyone in any real way as they are all French and mon francais est merde.


I've never felt so naked in an open space in my life.

my shit smelt of horse

I've been in France for 4 days now and it's hot like a cock to the mouth and i got so wet this morning in rain it felt like i'd pissed myself and i just got the internet working full time for my laptop.



I got to Toulouse airport around 8am, maybe 9am on Monday. After firing POW POW
"Bonjour! Parlez-vous Anglais? Non huh.. ah.. erm.. Toulouse Matabiau? Oui? Merci Madame! " at the bus depot woman i get the bus to the main city and then start fucking panicing that i have no real clue where the bus is going to take me.
So I sit next to this kid who's listening to his iPod and i'm starting to panic again and sweat this time but trying to look calm and collected about what's happening around me, mainly by taking in the surroundings of the beautiful city - seriously. the place is gold, its insane. - but at the same time still looking for a sign that points me in the right way to Matabiau (MA-TI-BOW)
And i finally see one as we go flashing by it.


I get off the bus and carry my rucksack and yellow handbag back into the direction of the sign and proceed towards the station. The rucksack is heavy. Imagine carrying a fat nine year old boy, and thats basically it. Once i navigate the crossings and find the station i grab my phrasebook and look up the city travel section, i have a quick glance through it, then queue up.
I get to the front of the queue and all my linguistic skills fall out my ass after " Bonjour. "
I panic. And i mean the sweats, the stammering, the mispronoucing of words; the whole fucking shabang.
Eventually after WRITING IT DOWN LIKE A SWEATY RETARDED CHILD we got through it and i got my ticket, directions and a semi understanding look of pity from the French woman.

I get on the coach to take me to Auch (OU-SSH) but i don't actually know where Auch is, so i kind of half keep myself awake by listening to Jesus and Mary Chain's debut and Jean-Michel Jarre's Revloutions. Also by starring at French teen tits. I enjoyed all equally.

The coach pulled up in Auch and we all pile out, the locals disappearing into the distance and leaving me in in what looked like a vila in Spain in the 70's. Turn's out this was the terminal where i was to wait for the HelpX host to pick me up, so i as putting suntan lotion on was my only thought at this point - it was about 42 degrees in the shade - i sat down under a tree and read Stephen King's The Stand.

About two hours later this woman named Zoe pulls up and we exchange greetings. She seems nice enough, abit... i dunno. Anyway, she takes me to the farm and shows me about to my caravan and the farm and her husband and the other family from NEW YORK BABY! but they're actually from Israel and they have two kids with them and the dog Nubbin and the house and everything. The land they have is amazing, plus the weather is so great; it ranges from MAXIMUM HEAT to the awesome rain i got soaked in this morning.



Monday 29th: Hot
Tuesday 30th: Hot
Wednesday 1st: Hot
Thursday 2nd: Rain, then Hot

I'm riding horses, stacking hay and straw in hot sex weather, sweating, weeding, cutting brambles and playing with a dog.

OH, special mention to Zoe who bought me a birthday cake after finding out when it was on Wednesday. We all went out in the evening and it was actually pretty ace.


I should be able to get this sorted daily, most likely third daily. I miss you all. xx